Love is measured with
by iheartponyo
Summary: My worst nightmare has come true. Clary is in a coma and I could have prevented it. The dark oblivion surrounds me. Now she has awaken and I feel like the gates of heaven has opened and all things good will happen. But she utters those feared words; 'Who's Jace'
1. Gone

'Noooo!' the noise scratched my throat as it rose from my lungs. My right arm is extended to full length as I try to desperately save her, almost falling off the cliff myself. All I can hear it white noise as Clary is gracefully floating in slow motion with her left hand extended to reach mine with a sea of silky red blowing around her head like a pillow. I would almost say she looked like an angel if it weren't for the sinister conclusion. I can't watch. I squeeze my eyes shut tight hoping that if I don't see it, it won't happen.

I feel a piece of my heart – a massive piece, so big that it hardly leaves any heart for me left – is wrenched out of my body. Without having to see, I know that she has fallen to the bottom.

I don't know if I can carry on living. Without Clary who am I? I don't know if I can carry on living in this world with eyes that will never get to see Clary again. I don't know if I can carry on living without being able to touch her, hold her or stroke her hair as she falls asleep beside me. Why don't I know? Well, I never have been in love before with someone else as I am with Clary. She is my first and will be my last love.

Multiple hands pull me away from the edge of the cliff; presumably they are afraid that I will fall too. But I don't care. The hands and voices try to soothe me but it doesn't work, only she will be able to do that know. My mind is like a washing machine, spinning and spinning, nothing to make sense of. I recognise some sounds like 'send someone to get Clary' and 'maybe she's alive'. They are so naive, of course she isn't alive. If she was, I would feel it, I would know it.

My hands shake and I feel dizzy. The only thing I can think to do is place my hands on the back of my neck, curl myself into a ball and scream. A mix of crying, wailing and screaming is being projected out of my mouth. I don't care who sees. All the time my eyes are still tightly glued together.

Then a familiar hand reaches for me, he lifts my head up with care and forces me to open my eyes. As my eyes adjust from the depths of black to sunshine outside I recognise who it is. Alec. He says something, his lips move and I feel vibrations. All the symptoms of speech. I stare blankly at him. He repeats it again and again; 'She's alive'. _What?_

'She's alive' he says again, softly with care, 'But she in a coma'.


	2. Secret

_'Jace?,' She whispers in a voice like silk, 'Jace where are you?' The voice is becoming distorted like another frequency is trying to infiltrate the conversation. For some reason my vision is blurred and I can only see a mix of warped colours. She is being dragged backwards into the horizon of the pure white surroundings like she is attached to a bungee rope, fast and smooth. 'Jace I need you' the voice crackles. The mixes of colours are sorting themselves out and are retreating to the sections of the body where they are needed. When I see red gathering at the top and flowing down like a mini stream outlining the top colours I realise who it is; my Clary. _

I wake up with a start and sit upright breathing rapidly searching for air. I place the back of my right hand to my forehead and feel the warm, wet sweat transfer to the skin on my hand. I've woken up every night sweating with the same dream of seeing Clary for the past week. I've hardly had any sleep. I can't stop worrying about her; thinking about what I will become is she does die. I don't know what is worse, seeing her lifeless body every day, not responding to me or moving, or her dying that day and be being able to accept the truth. The hope is killing me and will probably destroy me if she does not wake up.

At seven o'clock I realise that there is no hope in me going back to sleep so I get, find some clothes to put on and head down to the kitchen. Just as I was about to walk in I hear a voice. Alec. He is on the phone to someone, not sure who.

"Are you sure" Alec says, "I mean; is there any doubt, any at all?" there is a long pause and Alec fills the time with furious pacing of the kitchen floor.

"Ok, at least you're confident", another pause, "are you kidding? Of course I can't tell him!" _Who is the 'him' he refers to? Is it me? _"Because if I tell him he will end up killing himself, he loves her too much" _What id Alec keeping form me? Who is he talking to?_

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**_A/N do you like the story so far? Please review or like or follow or do whatever it is you would like to do :) - iheartponyo_**


	3. Wait

I hear Alec end the call and sit down. He's tapping his foot against the floor in a fast rhythm, presumably to calm any nerves or to help him think. If I enter the kitchen now he will know that I heard the conversation and be extra careful with any other secret phone calls he makes. But if I go away I might be able to find out more information later if he makes another call. I decide to retreat back to my room. When I open my bedroom door I perch on the edge of my bed like I'm waiting for something to happen. I haven't been able to properly relax since the accident. I need to see her.

When I get out of the taxi I pay the man and look at my watch. I've arrived just in time for opening hours so I'm able to walk in through the doors rather than ascending the building James Bond style and using an opening rune on the window like I had to do two days ago. When I enter the hospital via the automatic doors I get a few stares as I make my way to Clary's room. I suppose a teenage boy with dark shadows under his eyes, old and crumpled clothes with un-brushed, dirty hair isn't the sight you're expecting to see at nine o'clock on a Tuesday morning. I carry on and ignore them; I'm used to people staring.

When I'm in the lift I click the button for Clary's floor – number twelve. I would have usually decided to take the stairs but I'm just not feeling up to it at the moment. As the lift slowly chugs and creaks to the top of the building I collapse into the corner and rest my elbows on my knees. I'm exhausted. The lift stops on pretty much every floor and I once again ignore the stares and disapproving looks from the older generation. After what seems like forever the lift opens up to floor twelve and I exit making a beeline for room 26 – Clary's room.

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**A/N Heya what do you think? Please review and/or like if you think my story is good enough :) Oh, and trust me, the story will get much, much better :p**


	4. Flowers

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait :) Enjoy!**

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She looks so innocent and fragile. I cautiously approach her, afraid that if I make too much noise she would shatter into a million pieces. The steady beeping of the heart monitor is all I can hear. Each beep is like a shock of electricity telling me to not give up hope, she is still alive. I drag the grey chair over from the corner of the room and place next to Clary's bed.

If only I had gone instead of her. I shouldn't have let her go. It's all my fault. If only I could go back in time and change my actions... I would give anything to swap places with her.

I carefully take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. Her skin is so soft. Perfect. A single salty tear escapes my eye and falls onto the back on her hand. I place her hand back on to the sheets and try to suppress any more emotions that want to escape.

To my right on the bedside table is a vase of flowers. Simon. I know he blames me. It's hard not to.

I should have brought flowers as well.

'Hey, is it alright if I come in?' I glance up and see Simon leaning against the doorframe.

'Yeah, sure' I mumble trying to hide my any evidence of my tear.

He drags the second chair over and sits opposite me on the other side of Clary's bed.

'It's ok you know' he says 'to cry I mean, right?'

I glance up to see Simon holding Clary's hand, not taking his eyes off her.

'Yeah' I reply. No sure if I meant it or not. I've always tried to not cry. Put up a hard front, and let my insides disintegrate.

The three of us stayed like that for about 90 minutes, listening to steady breaths and the constants beeping of Clary's heart monitor. Everything was fine and we could have stayed like that for hours... if only the heart monitor didn't change its pattern.

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**A/N: Please review :) trust me, things will get better :)**


	5. Simon

'Nurse!' Simon yells. I want to say something, or do anything but I'm paralyzed. What if I have to relive that night by the cliff when I though she was dead. It would destroy me. 'Nurse!' Simon yells again. A young nurse with black hair comes running in and engages in a conversation with Simon listening to the details what happened. I should be participating in the conversation but all I can see, hear and feel is that day by the cliff.

_'Jace! Help me!' Clary tipples over the side of the cliff with an arm outstretched knowing that I would grab her and pull her up to safety. But I didn't. I sprint to the edge and lay flat on my stomach reaching out my own hand for her to grab with the icy winds biting my face and neck. I should have saved her._

'Clary's awake!' Simons fierce shacking of my shoulders and excited voice drag me back to the present. _What? I didn't kill her? _The relief that washed over me was huge. Massive. Amazing.

I stare at Clary's face, waiting to see her eyes again. Her eyelids flitter in an incredible way and her face squishes and twitches. She's actually waking up! She blinks. One, two, three. Her eyes open and stay open.

'Clary?' Simon and I say in unison. We both lean forward with our hands in hers.

'Simon? Is that you?' her voice is like music to ears. But why Simon? Maybe she doesn't realise that I'm here.

'Clary!' gasps Simon, 'Oh my gosh Clary, yes it's me. Simon'

'Oh Simon' says Clary with a smile. I let go of her hand and watch her put Simons hand to her lips.

'Jace is here too' he says and briefly glances up at me before returning to Clary's gaze.

'Jace?' Clays says 'Who's Jace?'

My whole world collapsed, crashed and then burned.

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**A/N: Did you enjoy it?**


	6. Complicated

**_'_**_Jace?'Clary says 'who's Jace?'_

Two simple words. Who's Jace. If anyone else said them at any other time it wouldn't have mattered. The dialogue would have been swept under the carpet like all the other meaningless conversations that humans put themselves through. But not this time. Those two words stung like a knife in my heart and hurt as much as a needle through the eye.

Simon glances up to see me with a blank, pale expression on my face. He looks so worried. Almost like I will shatter or melt at any moment now. He doesn't know what to do.

'What do you mean' Simon finally shatters he silence 'of course you remember Jace'. Simon is looking at me now, expecting me to say something, anything, to help jog Clary's memory.

Clary looks at me and stammers a little, struggling to find words to say. 'Umm... I uh...'

'Don't. Don't worry' I say in a monotone voice. I can't quite bring myself to look at her and talk at the same time; instead I talk to the empty square above her right shoulder. 'I'm nobody'. With that I walk away.

It would have taken too long to explain. To expect her to just remember that she is in love with me and to expect her to play along even though she has no memories for evidence. It would have also been too complicated. Even before the accident things were too complicated for me to think about.

Maybe the accident has given me a chance to start over. Uncomplicated it. Make an easier life with another girl. However, if it is meant to be, I'm sure that Clary may just fall in love with me again.

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**A/N: Good, bad, horrible, ok? **

**p.s sorry for the long wait **


	7. Simon pov

After Jace left I stayed with Clary and we talked and talked like we used to as kids. We found anything to talk about and we made it last for hours. After the doctor left after a checking up on Clary, she moved over on the bed and patted beside her.

'Come up' she said with a smile. 'I've missed you'

'Ha, ha' I chuckled, 'are you sure it will be alright? I don't want some short scary old nurse chasing me out with a broom'

'You'll be fine' with that I climbed on the hospital bed – which was very comfortable – and but my arm under Clary's head. I've actually really missed being able to do this with Clary; holding her when she sleeps with her feet only being able to touch my shin, feeling her every breath and being able to caress her hair. Ever since Jace came into the picture I haven't been able to do this as much.

I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but maybe Clary forgetting Jace was a good thing. It means I have time to do things with her, be with her without Mr. jealous goldy **( - not too sure how to spell it)** locks becoming annoying. It's horrible because I know how much Clary loved him and how much he loved her. If the Clary of the past could listen to my thoughts now, she would hate me.

'What are you thinking about? You're really quiet.' Clary's sweet voice broke the silence.

'Oh, nothing. Just some anime. Nothing you will be interested in' I replied.

'Oh yeah? Try me' she said with a smirk. 'What's it about?

'Well... it's about a boy who finds a book. A very sinister book that can kill people'

'Cool'

'When he finds the book he...' we talked like that for another hour until an old hag did chase me out with a broom. I hope we can do the same tomorrow.

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**A/N: Heya :) what do you think? Should Simon be a vampire or not? **


	8. Change

- Three weeks later –

Clary got released yesterday and everyone is going to visit her at Luke's house. Everyone except me. It's too painful too even look at her anymore. I did try to visit her again after the first time I went but I ended up not saying anything and leaving after a few minutes.

I thought I was taking an easier route when I decided to walk away and say 'I'm nobody' to her. But apparently it was the hardest. Waking up and knowing that I can never kiss or hold her again is like torture. Looking at her and not seeing love in her eyes, just a blank expression is agony. I need her back in my life but I don't know how. Things were different when we first fell in love, I cannot possibly recreate it.

Sometime before noon I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. There I picked up an apple and stared at it.

'You need to eat sometime you know'. The voice startled me and I traced it back to Isabelle sitting on the table. 'I know it's hard, but don't kill yourself'

I gave a smirk and carried on staring at my apple. Alec and Isabelle won't leave me alone ever since Clary woke up. I think they have some weird fantasy that I will commit suicide of self destruct if they aren't there.

'Are you ever going to speak?' Isabelle is now sitting crossed legged on the kitchen chair with her elbow resting on the side of the table. I opened my mouth to say something but I closed it quickly after.

'Uhh' groaned Isabelle. 'I know you love her and that it sucks that she doesn't even know you anymore, but grow up!' She pauses for a couple of seconds, not being able to talk to me but to the air to the right of m head. 'You've been like this for like three weeks now and don't you dare think that this just affects you! You are the first in a long line of dominoes. If you fall over, we all fall.' Tears spring to her eyes. This is one of the rare moments where Isabelle's hard shell starts to peel. She quickly composes herself and briskly walks away.

She's right. I can become so narrow minded sometimes that I forget who loves me which usually results in an angry Alec. I've decide that I need to do something to change what she thinks. I need to get her to remember or get her to fall in love again. I won't be the same but I can put up with it. Because I love her.

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**A/N: What do you think? Next chapter will be from Alec's P.O.V!**


	9. Wrong words

**A/N:** Sorry** for the wait :) **

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Alec's P.O.V

This morning I got up later because I spent all night talking to Magnus about Jace on the phone. He said that I can go visit him later today to speak to him properly. Very reluctantly I peeled back the covers and climbed out of bed. Let the day begin.

After getting washed and putting on jeans and a t-shirt I made my way toward the kitchen. On the way I passed Isabelle who barged past me with tear stains on her face.

'Are you o-'

'Don't speak to me. Sort Jace out, he's moping again'. With that she carried on walk/jogging away; presumably to her room. Even though Isabelle has a hard outer shell, it weakens quickly with people she cares about. Like Jace.

When I arrived at the kitchen I saw Jace sitting at the table turning an apple in his hands. He glances up with his eyes, trying his best to not actually move his head, and then quickly dismisses me by staring back at his apple. I stand there awkwardly for a moment, not knowing what to say. It's usually Jace who puts a smile on my face, its Jace who starts a conversation and it's Jace who knows what to say. Not me. It kills me to see him like this. Even though I don't really think of Jace in 'that way' anymore, I still care about him like a brother.

'You can sit down you know' Jace mumbled. I was so shocked that he actually spoke I just obediently did what he said. Ever since seeing Clary for the first time after the accident Jace hasn't said a single word. In any other circumstance I would feel honoured hat he chose to say his first words to me but I have a feeling that he didn't mean it in any significant way.

'I'm sorry' he said, still not being able to look at me. Before I could say 'what for' he lifted his head ever so slightly and talk to my hands on the table instead. 'I feel bad for being a dead weight and giving everyone the silent treatment. I'm being selfish; Clary's accident didn't just affect me, it affected everyone.'

I didn't quite know what to say. I've never seen him speak like this to anyone before let alone to me. Instead of a constructed reply, all that came out was; 'Hey, Jace, it's alright. You have the right to be the way you are. You were her boyfriend after all.' As soon as I said it, I regretted my words.

'Yeah,' Jace mumbled, 'past tense. I think I'm officially dumped'. Jace picked up his apple and tossed it back into the fruit bowl. He walked past me without taking his eyes off the floor.

Why can't I say anything right?

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**A/N: what do you think? What would you prefer, an Alec P.O.V or a Jace P.O.V next chapter? There may be some Malec going on ;p **


	10. PG

**A/N: This chapter is a little longer like requested ;p**

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Jace's P.O.V

I knew that the chance of our relationship lasting was slim after she forgot who I was. I guess I was just hopeful...

I made my way to my bedroom and sat down on my bed. I seem to have spent the whole of the past three weeks cooped up in here. If past Clary could see me now, she wouldn't like what she saw. She would want me to get out there, find someone new or get her back.

I think I may just go visit her at Luke's house. Just as a friend though. It would be too complicated to explain that I am was her boyfriend.

I am all of a sudden very conscience of what I am wearing; four day old white (now slightly grey) shirt with black jeans accompanied with stains here, there and everywhere and greasy hair sticking up all over the place. I was officially a mess. I also smelt.

I stripped down to my birthday suit and switched on the shower. After three weeks of doing nothing my muscles have started to not show as much. There still there, just smaller. That's another thing I will have to do, work out. How am I ever going to get Clary back - or any girl in fact - without some muscle?

I enter the shower and feel the warm trickle of the water hitting my body. My hair becomes plastered to my forehead and ears as it becomes wet. I put on shampoo and conditioner then shower gel to make sure that I leave a lasting effect on Clary's nose when I leave. Just before I switch the shower off I imagine Clary standing here in the shower with me. I would hold her by the waist and be able to feel her smooth bare skin against my hands. I would look into her eyes as the water poured over us. I would not look away from her beautiful, seductive eyes and we would...

Alec's voice dragged me out of my beautiful daydream. I switched off the shower to listen in more closely. He was on the phone (from the sounds of it, Magnus) and was talking loudly and laughing.

'Ha ha yeah' he said. 'Oi! I hope you're alone' he continued. Now he was laughing like a little love struck teenage girl. I really like it when Alec talks to Magnus as it brings out his other side and it lifts his spirits.

'Yeah sure' he continued 'be there in a minute' I heard the beep of the phone ending the call and about 3 ½ seconds later, there was a knocking at my door.

As quickly as I could I grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around my waist to cover up my "below areas" and another smaller towel which I used to dry my hair en-route to the door. When I opened the door Alec stood there with a phone in his hand.

'Oh, hey' Alec said, faltering a little. I noticed that he couldn't look me in the eye and he was looking at the walls around me.

'Umm, hey 'I said back. Only then did I realise that I was practically half naked and that it was the equivalent of a super hot girl standing in very revealing clothing - because I am super hot myself- trying to have a normal conversation. I half shut, half hid behind the door and the conversation continued.

'I'm just going around Magnus' house' he said, his once red cheeks becoming more normal.

'Ahh, OK. I hope you manage to keep it all PG' I replied with a smirk. He blushed again and swiftly changed topic.

'What will you be doing while I'm out?'

'Oh, just lying about here there and everywhere. I'm thinking of going to the training room again as well' I replied. 'To get back in shape'; I knew that if I mentioned about me visiting Clary, Alec would cancel his date with Magnus and bring everyone over to supervise and see if I'm okay with her. I would prefer to visit Clary alone. It's not quite the same with six pairs of eyes staring at you.

'Don't go breaking any bones' Alec smiled and then retreated down the corridor towards his boyfriend's house.

I won't be breaking any bones but I may just be breaking by heart. Well, breaking it more than it is at the moment.

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**A/N: What do you think? Do you want to follow Jace and his visit with Clary next and Malec later or Malec next and Clace later? Hope you enjoyed :) :) **


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